Bruisings & Musings

My life has been a series of ups and downs over the last few weeks and it's led me to a lot of contemplating, musing, thinking and all-round brain exercise... Brace yourselves because this is a long one! (It has a point though, promise!)

Let's start with the ups...

I started a brilliant e-course called Make Over Your Mornings which has helped me to create some brilliant bedtime and morning routines and as a result I'm having a lot more productive days. The flat hasn't been this tidy and well-presented as a result of my help (rather than Tom doing everything or me calling in back up!) since before my endo diagnosis. I've got clear and concise goals that I'm making steady progress on (at least some of them anyway...) and I go to bed feeling satisfied now that the day was well spent.

I'm working 3 days a week with Discover Your Bounce* (more on that in a future blog!) and the other 4 days I'm left to my own devices. Some of that time is spent with Tom, family or friends but more of it is spent with Me, Myself & I. And despite all the giant positive steps I've been taking this year, the last month in particular, I'm still getting stuck with the same blocks and thought processes as always. So I wanted to share some musings and see if others feel stuck by the same things? I think I'm working a way through it all, but it'd be interesting to have your input too.

The downs...

I guess the place to start all of this is my biggest down of recent times - last Saturday. I was up bright and early, got Tom off to work and popped into Tesco on my way home to pick up a few things. I was hosting my mum and a fellow new Discover Your Bounce Licensee for the day for our introduction training - something I'd been excited to start for weeks!

With about 10 minutes to go I was setting up one of our fold-away tables, managed to get my leg caught in the framework and over I went. Crashing into the TV stand, falling between the stand and the freezer and landing on an extension lead. Ouch! I burst into tears, assessed that nothing was broken (thank god!) then dragged myself across the living room to my phone to call for mum (what else would you do in that situation?!).

The most impressive bruise is on my hip/thigh, but there are more on my arm and stomach.

The rest of the story goes much as you'd expect - hurting all over, some simultaneously horrific and impressive bruising, ice packs and a few nights of uncomfortable sleeping. But what I didn't expect was the after-effects of extreme exhaustion, mild depression and a general feeling of being unwell. Sunday I split my time between laying on the sofa and napping in bed as it was all I was good for. I made it as far as work Monday - Wednesday, but the effort was so great that I had to finish early Wednesday and am only just feeling human again.

All of this leads to my musing...

When will my energy return? When will my sense of fun, mischief and general passion for life be back? I lost it somewhere around 2012 when the first symptoms of endo really started kicking in and since then I've had glimpses of it - days or even weeks when I've felt like "I'm back baby!" only to feel exhausted and burnt out just a short time later.

I've also noticed I hold a lot more anger than I used to and I don't have patience for people. I call them idiots, say they're stupid etc. but really I think it's me. I have so little of "Me-ness" to share that I want to conserve it for those who are important to me. Spoon Theory is based around energy-use for people with chronic pain, equating a spoon to a 'bar' of energy. Most of the discussions I've read/had about Spoon Theory talk about physical activities costing spoons but for me I value my 'mental spoons' even more and if people try to waste them I get very annoyed and angry quite quickly.

Not only that, but my natural defensive state has switched from 'reasonable discussion' to 'shout and deflect'. Quite possibly because I'm already too busy beating myself up mentally for all of my own perceived shortcomings to allow anyone else to say something negative about me. Poor Tom has been the main victim in this - even a simple request for a household task to be done can lead to being shouted at if I'm feeling defensive. Not fun for him!

So why do I feel/act like this when I used to be so different?

Part of me argues "You're getting older, this happens to everyone.", "Your body has been through a lot, try to balance everything instead of pushing it.", "Some people just have more energy than others."

The other part of me argues "Bullshit."

I don't accept that my once-energetic body, that was so full of life and laughter and fun, is now just a bit too worn-down to do those things anymore. That if I want a full day of productivity/activities/having a life that I must balance it with a day of feeling crappy and resting. I don't believe it has to be this way - I mean I'm only 24! I just need to find the right routine/diet/exercise/mentality/whatever that is going to unlock the old me.

I'm getting there. I have more "Me" days than "Not Me" days, where I bother making an effort with my appearance, get some good work done, have a laugh with friends and family, but not enough. Why should I ever feel like I'm not myself?

And I think this is the same for a lot of endo sufferers. I've seen a number of posts when people find the right combination of meds and complementary routines saying they feel back to normal or like their old selves. So it can't just be me here, can it? There's obviously a problem that's even less talked about than endometriosis itself - the knock-on effect it has on your personality.

Over to you!

This is where I want to throw it out to you guys - do you feel like you've changed as a person since you started noticing endometriosis symptoms? Not just the side-effects of hormone treatment (those are a whole hell of their own!) but through the whole process - from first noticing the pains all the way through treatment and beyond. I'd love to hear your experiences, either in the comments or privately in an email if you'd prefer; amirosemarshall@gmail.com

p.s wow, did not think the blog would be this long!

Overcoming Down Days

This week has been particularly tough for me. Recovery from my gallbladder removal hasn't been as fast as I'd like, returning to work has been difficult and exhausting and I've felt very stuck in what to do about it all. Tuesday everything came to head after I had to leave a course early out of sheer exhaustion. It was my first attempt at an all-day activity, which in my eyes should've been easy 4 weeks after surgery and yet that wasn't the case.

Thankfully I'm feeling better now. Thanks to the help from Tom, my mum and a friend who have all done their best to cheer me up but also give practical help and advice, I've got a path forward again and some tactics in place to regain my energy.

Since I've found these ideas so helpful in this last week alone, I wanted to share a few with you guys so that you too could pull through tough times a little easier. :)

Wear Bright Colours

When you're not feeling great it can be tempting to hide away in your oldest, comfiest pjs or big baggy clothes if you have to go out. Instead, put on your brightest top or bling it up with some pretty accessories. The colours will give you an energetic and mood boost each time you catch your reflection. This week I've made sure to pull out my Spring wardrobe and wear my pastel pinks and grass greens, leaving the Winter shades in the drawer!

Get More Sleep

It might sound obvious or easier said than done, but whether it's a nap or an early night you need to let your body rest. Things always feel a lot worse when you're tired, which is exactly why Tuesday was so difficult for me, so the best thing you can do is write off the 'should do's and make time for some extra sleep instead.

Dance Around To Your Favourite Song

You might not feel like you have the energy for dancing at this stage, but even a little wiggle or foot tap while seated will get you started. By picking your favourite song you're reminding yourself of happier times and by dancing you're getting your energy moving and waking up those endorphins. This was how I spent Wednesday morning while getting ready for work and it kept me going much longer than usual!

Talk To The People Who 'Get' You

Pushing through a tough time alone can be torture. You get stuck in your own negative spirals and it can get even harder to pull yourself out of it. Talk to someone (or a couple of someones) who understand you and will appreciate the fact you're not just 'having an off day'. They're the ones who can put things in perspective for you, remind you of why you're great and also take your mind of the problems for a little while. This is where my support group really came through for me this week and I'm very grateful to have them.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

It's not easy to be happy 100% of the time and if you're facing chronic pain or illness that's doubly true. Endometriosis can mess with your hormones (which is why a balanced diet can help so much), wear you out and make you snappy even when you're feeling your best so if you're not firing on all cylinders don't beat yourself up. The best thing you can do is admit you're not at your best right now and look after yourself instead of feeling guilty.

It's not easy to pull out of a tough time (otherwise it wouldn't be called tough!) but that doesn't mean you have to give in to it. Taking small steps over time will turn things around and until things are better at least these tips will give you some bright moments among the hard ones. :)

What are your cheer up tips? What helps you pull out of a funk when things are particularly tiring for you? I'd love to hear in the comments below!