Recovering With Adult Colouring Books

Recently my sister got an adult colouring book and I was insanely jealous - especially as she had some brilliantly bright colours that brought the pages to life! I also saw this post from Three Little Buhos about them, which just furthered my need to have one in my life. While I was perusing Amazon and deciding which one to go with, my lovely mum bought me one as a treat for some of the work we've been doing together - I love my fam!

I'm not the only one with colouring envy - upon hearing that mine was on its way Tom said he wanted one, so now he has his own too. :)

I've had a number of people respond with skepticism, asking if it really is that relaxing and some have barely hidden their belief that it's a little childish (I know who you are! :p). But I've also had plenty of people asking where I got it and for recommendations so I knew it would make for a good blog!

In Annie's post (Three Little Buhos) she concentrated on how the books aid with managing stress and depression, but I've found them useful for helping with another health issue: recovering from surgery/chronic pain and fatigue.

As some of you will know I recently had my gallbladder out and it's been taking much long than anticipated to recover. Aside from working, I've not had the energy to do much and it can get very boring when your body can't do as much as your mind! Not only has the colouring been relaxing, it's also been perfect entertainment for when I wanted to do something but wasn't feeling up to a lot.

It's cheered me up to be creating something pretty and colourful when I've felt rubbish and I've been showing everyone my pictures with pride - a bit like a 5 year old really, haha!

We have 2 colouring books at the moment, both of which are nature/animal based as they're perfect for bright colours and creativity. Mine is Millie Marotta's Animal Kingdom* which is full of exotic animals and patterns. The pictures in this blog are from this book. Tom's is Birds & Butterflies by Alice Chadwick* which is exactly what it says! I've been sneakily colouring in some of the butterflies in there and Tom's been working on a masterpiece of a mother bird with all her chicks.

The books are less than £10 each and offer hundreds of hours of entertainment (the tree took me the best part of an hour alone!) so they're well worth the money in my opinion.

Have you got any colouring books, or other hobbies that are similarly restful and relaxing? Let me know in the comments below - and feel free to share some pictures that you've been working on!

Bruisings & Musings

My life has been a series of ups and downs over the last few weeks and it's led me to a lot of contemplating, musing, thinking and all-round brain exercise... Brace yourselves because this is a long one! (It has a point though, promise!)

Let's start with the ups...

I started a brilliant e-course called Make Over Your Mornings which has helped me to create some brilliant bedtime and morning routines and as a result I'm having a lot more productive days. The flat hasn't been this tidy and well-presented as a result of my help (rather than Tom doing everything or me calling in back up!) since before my endo diagnosis. I've got clear and concise goals that I'm making steady progress on (at least some of them anyway...) and I go to bed feeling satisfied now that the day was well spent.

I'm working 3 days a week with Discover Your Bounce* (more on that in a future blog!) and the other 4 days I'm left to my own devices. Some of that time is spent with Tom, family or friends but more of it is spent with Me, Myself & I. And despite all the giant positive steps I've been taking this year, the last month in particular, I'm still getting stuck with the same blocks and thought processes as always. So I wanted to share some musings and see if others feel stuck by the same things? I think I'm working a way through it all, but it'd be interesting to have your input too.

The downs...

I guess the place to start all of this is my biggest down of recent times - last Saturday. I was up bright and early, got Tom off to work and popped into Tesco on my way home to pick up a few things. I was hosting my mum and a fellow new Discover Your Bounce Licensee for the day for our introduction training - something I'd been excited to start for weeks!

With about 10 minutes to go I was setting up one of our fold-away tables, managed to get my leg caught in the framework and over I went. Crashing into the TV stand, falling between the stand and the freezer and landing on an extension lead. Ouch! I burst into tears, assessed that nothing was broken (thank god!) then dragged myself across the living room to my phone to call for mum (what else would you do in that situation?!).

The most impressive bruise is on my hip/thigh, but there are more on my arm and stomach.

The rest of the story goes much as you'd expect - hurting all over, some simultaneously horrific and impressive bruising, ice packs and a few nights of uncomfortable sleeping. But what I didn't expect was the after-effects of extreme exhaustion, mild depression and a general feeling of being unwell. Sunday I split my time between laying on the sofa and napping in bed as it was all I was good for. I made it as far as work Monday - Wednesday, but the effort was so great that I had to finish early Wednesday and am only just feeling human again.

All of this leads to my musing...

When will my energy return? When will my sense of fun, mischief and general passion for life be back? I lost it somewhere around 2012 when the first symptoms of endo really started kicking in and since then I've had glimpses of it - days or even weeks when I've felt like "I'm back baby!" only to feel exhausted and burnt out just a short time later.

I've also noticed I hold a lot more anger than I used to and I don't have patience for people. I call them idiots, say they're stupid etc. but really I think it's me. I have so little of "Me-ness" to share that I want to conserve it for those who are important to me. Spoon Theory is based around energy-use for people with chronic pain, equating a spoon to a 'bar' of energy. Most of the discussions I've read/had about Spoon Theory talk about physical activities costing spoons but for me I value my 'mental spoons' even more and if people try to waste them I get very annoyed and angry quite quickly.

Not only that, but my natural defensive state has switched from 'reasonable discussion' to 'shout and deflect'. Quite possibly because I'm already too busy beating myself up mentally for all of my own perceived shortcomings to allow anyone else to say something negative about me. Poor Tom has been the main victim in this - even a simple request for a household task to be done can lead to being shouted at if I'm feeling defensive. Not fun for him!

So why do I feel/act like this when I used to be so different?

Part of me argues "You're getting older, this happens to everyone.", "Your body has been through a lot, try to balance everything instead of pushing it.", "Some people just have more energy than others."

The other part of me argues "Bullshit."

I don't accept that my once-energetic body, that was so full of life and laughter and fun, is now just a bit too worn-down to do those things anymore. That if I want a full day of productivity/activities/having a life that I must balance it with a day of feeling crappy and resting. I don't believe it has to be this way - I mean I'm only 24! I just need to find the right routine/diet/exercise/mentality/whatever that is going to unlock the old me.

I'm getting there. I have more "Me" days than "Not Me" days, where I bother making an effort with my appearance, get some good work done, have a laugh with friends and family, but not enough. Why should I ever feel like I'm not myself?

And I think this is the same for a lot of endo sufferers. I've seen a number of posts when people find the right combination of meds and complementary routines saying they feel back to normal or like their old selves. So it can't just be me here, can it? There's obviously a problem that's even less talked about than endometriosis itself - the knock-on effect it has on your personality.

Over to you!

This is where I want to throw it out to you guys - do you feel like you've changed as a person since you started noticing endometriosis symptoms? Not just the side-effects of hormone treatment (those are a whole hell of their own!) but through the whole process - from first noticing the pains all the way through treatment and beyond. I'd love to hear your experiences, either in the comments or privately in an email if you'd prefer; amirosemarshall@gmail.com

p.s wow, did not think the blog would be this long!

Reflection - My Story

I'm awake. Awake and in pain. A familiar yet unfamiliar pain that I haven't felt in almost 5 months now.

Rather than get annoyed, I find myself reflecting on the last year and all it's brought me.

12 months ago I was experiencing just the beginning of what would soon become daily agony. I didn't know that I was soon to experience crippling pain that would have me sleeping on the living room floor wrapped in heat pads and blankets, on the strongest painkillers the doctors would give me, all in the hope of an hour or two of sleep before work. Pain that bloated my body and made every day a surprise of whether I'd make it to the end of the work day. Weekly osteopath appointments would just about keep me standing with the back pain and weekly doctor appointments would become more and more frustrating as my suffering fell on deaf ears.

9 months ago was the start of the pain. After 3 months of particularly bad 'womens problems' the pain was no longer just a symptom of an (extended) 'time of the month'. The pain became my month - all of it. And then it became two months. Then three and finally four. Four months of pain that was completely unexplained and the doctor settled upon IBS as the diagnosis from Day One. When each drug didn't work I was given another. Diet advice. Pain relief. No offer of an alternative diagnosis, further testing or anything that would've looked into the real cause.

7 months ago came the first blood test. The first admission that it might not just be IBS. By this point I hadn't slept in weeks and I was so bloated I looked 6 months pregnant. Work was becoming a struggle and I was starting to suffer depression from the constant pain. That blood test showed I had signs of infection in my blood, but no antibiotics were offered. Just an appointment in two weeks time for another blood test "to see if it's gone."

6.5 months ago came blood test number two. All my hopes pinned on this one - something had to show. Something that would explain everything. But life stepped in before I got those results.

Sunday 28th July I was in agony - even more so than usual and I couldn't even sit still. My blanket of heat pads didn't cut it and I rang the NHS advice line to find out what my options were at 9pm on a Sunday night. Within an hour I was at Frenchay Hospital Out of Hours GP seeing a lovely doctor who was probably the first to touch on the real problem. But he wasn't to be the one who would save me. Being late on a Sunday night he advised I visit my GP the next day. So back to my GP I went, for my blood tests to show more infection. And once more I was given an appointment in two weeks "to see if it's gone."

But Tuesday 30th July changed it all. Sat in my mum's kitchen I was in tears, not because of the pain but because I gave up. My family was outraged at the way I was being ignored, but I was just used to it. My fight left me that morning and I resigned myself to constant pain. I told my mum that someone else would have to fight for me, because I just couldn't anymore.

It's funny how the universe knows when you mean it. And I couldn't have meant it more. I was defeated. Within 30 minutes I was white and throwing up. Laying limply on the sofa an emergency doctors appointment was made  for the afternoon. It's funny looking back that I didn't consider it serious enough for an ambulance even at that point. It was 'just IBS' after all.
That afternoon I saw a different GP. If angels exist she is one of them, because she saved me that day. I had a fever on top of the vomiting and I was sent straight home to pack for Frenchay. Something was very wrong.

At midnight after seeing a number of doctors and being sent to a different hospital I was finally admitted to the Gynae ward in Southmead Hospital with a suspected infection of my fallopian tubes. Tears streamed down my face for most of the night, especially at 2am when my mum had to admit defeat and head home to sleep. It was all just too much.

Wednesday 31st July I got my first glimpse of a real diagnosis. A scan showed two cysts - 8cm and 4cm - one on each ovary. My insides were a puzzle; it took them a lot of searching to find my ovaries in the first place as they were up by my bellybutton, touching in the middle. Blood tests also showed I had not one, but two infections. The one that had caused my fever but also a chronic infection that had been around for at least a month by that time. A very nice consultant gave me the news; it was either an abcess or endometriosis. I was put on antibiotics and watched constantly - if it was an abcess and it burst I'd need emergency surgery, but they wanted to wait until the infection was under control before surgery if possible.

I spent the next few days staying positive, meeting each new patient as they came and went and getting to know the nurses. I've never been more grateful for my family (especially my mum and Tom) as not a visiting hour went by that I wasn't surrounded by people, presents and food.

This time 6 months ago it was Thursday 1st August - the day before the first of two operations that changed my life in so many ways. In every way.

Me with presents after Op #1

On Friday 2nd August an exploratory laparoscopy showed I had Stage 4 (severe) endometriosis. I would need another surgery once the cysts had been shrunk as it was too dangerous to cut them out at that point. I was given Zoladex to put me into a medical menopause for 3 months which would shrink the cysts and conversations delicately skirted around the real fear we all had. Would it affect my fertility?

3 months ago I came to the end of a new hell; the menopause was not kind to me. I was angry a lot of the time, depressed the rest and fighting to see an end to any of it. I'd also started on the Endometriosis Diet and combined with the Zoladex September and October were almost pain free for me. In one way I was so grateful for that relief, but in another the hormones took that gratitude from me as I was too emotional to enjoy it. And it still wasn't a solution. Zoladex was just a stop-gap on the way to the next surgery.

On Friday 22nd November I was admitted once more for another laparoscopy - this time to cut away the cysts and any endo they could get to. They were also checking my fertility and making sure all was working okay. At pre-op I'd been told I would be going home that night, but my consultant said it wouldn't be until the next day at least. So mum went off to work to keep occupied and I was taken off to surgery.

That afternoon I came around just long enough to hear the results before sleeping the rest of the day and night. The cysts were gone but they had bad news about my bowel, which was attached to my fallopian tubes. It was too risky to cut them apart, so they'd been left. And in my haze I almost missed it as the consultant said my fallopian tubes were blocked. I sat in shock and at that point I could only muster a few tears. I didn't believe it. Of all the things I thought they might say, my fertility was the one thing I'd been sure of. As the consultant explained further I just stared at her blankly. Once she was gone I could barely keep my eyes open. I knew I should be talking to mum and Tom, but the pull of sleep was too strong and so I sent them home. Sleep provided me with an escape from all the things I just couldn't cope with right then. The next day I was discharged from the hospital and left to the care of my family.

And now here we are, 2 months on. There are still so many things I'm struggling to come to terms with and I think it'll be a while before I do. But this morning has me reflecting on all the things I've overcome. I'm now pain free, completely. I've lost a stone and everyone tells me I've got my sparkle back. Not only am I back at work, my own business is now 3 months old (yup - started before the op!) and thriving. I've started with a personal trainer to regain the core strength I've lost and I'm improving my diet constantly. I've made new friends along the journey too.

With my cousin and sister at Christmas.

But I think the best reward I've had from all of this is the relationship with my family. The support they've given me brings me to tears. There aren't words to describe what it means to me - my mum and Tom never left my side. Mum with her pep talks, her sympathetic ear and her endless patience in waiting rooms. Tom with his bear hug every time it all got too much, his constant support and his endless patience with my mood swings! Kassi with her sunny outlook on everything and her ability to make me laugh so hard I had to curl into a ball to protect my stitches. My grandparents with their endless generosity, helping me with anything I needed and just being there. And not forgetting my Dad who brought me crisps and Rachel who brought me magazines and distraction. I couldn't have done it without them. I still couldn't. They're my support, my inspiration and what keeps me going.

So there's my story. I don't want your sympathy, that wasn't the point. But now you know a little more about me and why I sometimes need a moment to compose myself or have to excuse myself from plans when I get tired. If you know me I hope it's given you insight into why I've been so absent from a social life lately and if you don't know me, I hope it's given you hope. Or at least been interesting to read for a while.

If you have any questions or stories of your own I'd love to hear them. You can leave a comment below or if it's personal you can email me: amirosemarshall@gmail.com

Thank you for reading.

Update on Life

Hi everyone!

I'm safely back at home and resting up so thought I'd share a little update with you. :)

The op went well and I came home Saturday evening after almost 24 hours of sleeping in the hospital. I even kicked out my visitors so they wouldn't have to watch me sleep! Since then I've been napping at least twice a day, snacking on plain foods and convincing Tom that I really do need him to set the Wii Fit up every morning so I can check my weight! (I'm more than a little curious how much weight that endo was taking up - results to come once the swelling disappears!)

I was also a lucky lady yesterday when my lovely sister and our friend Andy agreed to take Tom and I to the cinema to see Catching Fire (which I adored in case you're wondering, go watch it!). It was a bit of an expedition requiring a hot water bottle (got some funny looks for that), a pillow being seatbelted to my stomach and pre-warning of all the jumpy bits, but it was worth it and I rested all evening to make up for it.

I also had a visit from the amazing Rachel, who put up with my constant babbling with a smile. I've only seen family since the op so I probably dazed the poor woman and I wouldn't be surprised if her ears are still ringing!

Plans for the rest of the week include training Tom on the business elements of Social Media so he can help me with my new business, making a start on homemade Christmas presents before the Secret Santa deadline and having a lot of chicken soup which is my current food craving!

Hopefully I might find some time between all the napping and eating to write a blog post or two as well. ;)

Have a good week!
xx

Wheat, Gluten & Endometriosis

As promised, I'll be going into more detail about why you need to cut out certain things when on the endometriosis diet. The list is rather extensive and the explanations for some can get rather lengthy so I'll be doing them as a series of posts rather than flooding you all at once.

Today I'll be focusing on wheat and gluten, as cutting out this particular one has had a huge effect on me already and can be of help even to those who don't suffer with endometriosis.

                             

More and more people are waking up to the evils of gluten and wheat, no longer the healthy staple it used to be thanks to years of genetic modification and pesticide use. Gluten is now used in food production as a binding agent, much like eggs are when you're baking a cake. The problem is that it's new genetically modified form doesn't just bind ingredients in the food - it moves through your digestive system like glue and binds whatever it fancies. It has slowly developed from a nutritious ingredient in almost every area of cooking to something you should avoid if you don't want to incur the nasty list of symptoms it can cause.

The most common symptoms can include;

• Gas
• Bloating
• Queasiness
• Abdominal cramping
• IBS
• Irrational mood swings and emotional problems, even depression
• Fatigue

But if you have a gluten intolerance or an allergy called coeliac disease the symptoms can be much worse; neurological disruption, fibromyalgia, migraines and inflammation & pain in your joints.

As you can see, it's nasty stuff even if you're completely healthy. The problem when it comes to endometriosis is that you may have a combination of disorders that are all fed by wheat, compounding the problem. It's not uncommon to also suffer from Candida (a yeast infection in the gut that is fed by sugar), IBS (irritable bowel syndrome, cause currently unknown) or some level of gluten intolerance (anything from a mild irritation up to coeliac disease) - sometimes all three at once.

The only way to get rid of these symptoms, whether you're just looking for a healthier diet in general or you're looking to ease endometriosis, is to eliminate wheat and gluten (also found in barley and rye) from your diet completely. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

In a study of women with endometriosis 80% found their pain was greatly reduced when they cut wheat out of their diet. This jumped to 100% when they also cut out gluten.

Cutting gluten out of your diet is no mean feat, don't get me wrong. I've now taken to reading the ingredients list on absolutely everything I eat (checking for wheat and other ingredients in the naughty list)! But once you experience the rewards for all the hard work you put in you become reluctant to go back to eating gluten products. Some women find their pain is reduced and some find it disappears altogether, it all depends on the cause of your pain. But in either case it's worth giving it a try - what have you got to lose?

To give you an idea of the difference it can make, here's a snippet of my own experience:

"I have suffered bloating to varying degrees throughout 2013, blaming everything I could think of; water retention before a period, weight gain during a period and IBS just to name a few. I'd attempted to go gluten free a few times and it did show some improvements but never enough for me to think it was worth it.

When I got my diagnosis and subsequently had my op I dropped weight dramatically (2lbs from the surgery alone and then another 6lbs in 4 days when I got home) and the reason for my problems became obvious. Every organ in my abdomen was so swollen that once I'd reduced the bloating I was just revealing the extent of the swelling without realising it (a scary thought!).

Pre-diet I had been eating anything I fancied, partly because I was so grateful to have my appetite back and partly because I knew once I started the diet there would be a lot of things I'd miss!

On day 1 of the diet I was going to the shops, which warranted more than the loose fitting pjs I'd been living in! Since I'd lost so much weight I thought I'd try to put on a pair of jeans that hadn't fit me in 2 years, to no avail. My stomach was still too bloated despite the weight loss.

On day 2 I woke up and looked a lot slimmer in the mirror (my enemy and best friend). This time I was going to visit family and figured it was worth another try. To my amazement the jeans fit. Not completely comfortably, but I could do the button up. I wore them out and everyone said how amazing I looked.

By day 4 I could do the jeans up and had wiggle room. To say I was shocked doesn't even come close.

I'm now on day 7 and my stomach is still a little bigger than I'd like, but my internal organs are still going back to their normal size so it's something I can live with. I'm just shocked at how fast everything went back to normal once I started on this diet! It's definitely worth it for me and I find I don't crave my old comfort foods because I know the consequences."

I'm wary that this post is getting a bit long again, so I'll put the alternatives to wheat in another blog post for you. I really hope this has given you an insight into why so many people struggle with wheat and convinced you that it's at least worth giving it a go. Experts recommend 2 weeks gluten free to get it out of your system and see the real effects, so don't get disheartened if you don't see results immediately. :)

Let me know your thoughts in the comments!