Bruisings & Musings

My life has been a series of ups and downs over the last few weeks and it's led me to a lot of contemplating, musing, thinking and all-round brain exercise... Brace yourselves because this is a long one! (It has a point though, promise!)

Let's start with the ups...

I started a brilliant e-course called Make Over Your Mornings which has helped me to create some brilliant bedtime and morning routines and as a result I'm having a lot more productive days. The flat hasn't been this tidy and well-presented as a result of my help (rather than Tom doing everything or me calling in back up!) since before my endo diagnosis. I've got clear and concise goals that I'm making steady progress on (at least some of them anyway...) and I go to bed feeling satisfied now that the day was well spent.

I'm working 3 days a week with Discover Your Bounce* (more on that in a future blog!) and the other 4 days I'm left to my own devices. Some of that time is spent with Tom, family or friends but more of it is spent with Me, Myself & I. And despite all the giant positive steps I've been taking this year, the last month in particular, I'm still getting stuck with the same blocks and thought processes as always. So I wanted to share some musings and see if others feel stuck by the same things? I think I'm working a way through it all, but it'd be interesting to have your input too.

The downs...

I guess the place to start all of this is my biggest down of recent times - last Saturday. I was up bright and early, got Tom off to work and popped into Tesco on my way home to pick up a few things. I was hosting my mum and a fellow new Discover Your Bounce Licensee for the day for our introduction training - something I'd been excited to start for weeks!

With about 10 minutes to go I was setting up one of our fold-away tables, managed to get my leg caught in the framework and over I went. Crashing into the TV stand, falling between the stand and the freezer and landing on an extension lead. Ouch! I burst into tears, assessed that nothing was broken (thank god!) then dragged myself across the living room to my phone to call for mum (what else would you do in that situation?!).

The most impressive bruise is on my hip/thigh, but there are more on my arm and stomach.

The rest of the story goes much as you'd expect - hurting all over, some simultaneously horrific and impressive bruising, ice packs and a few nights of uncomfortable sleeping. But what I didn't expect was the after-effects of extreme exhaustion, mild depression and a general feeling of being unwell. Sunday I split my time between laying on the sofa and napping in bed as it was all I was good for. I made it as far as work Monday - Wednesday, but the effort was so great that I had to finish early Wednesday and am only just feeling human again.

All of this leads to my musing...

When will my energy return? When will my sense of fun, mischief and general passion for life be back? I lost it somewhere around 2012 when the first symptoms of endo really started kicking in and since then I've had glimpses of it - days or even weeks when I've felt like "I'm back baby!" only to feel exhausted and burnt out just a short time later.

I've also noticed I hold a lot more anger than I used to and I don't have patience for people. I call them idiots, say they're stupid etc. but really I think it's me. I have so little of "Me-ness" to share that I want to conserve it for those who are important to me. Spoon Theory is based around energy-use for people with chronic pain, equating a spoon to a 'bar' of energy. Most of the discussions I've read/had about Spoon Theory talk about physical activities costing spoons but for me I value my 'mental spoons' even more and if people try to waste them I get very annoyed and angry quite quickly.

Not only that, but my natural defensive state has switched from 'reasonable discussion' to 'shout and deflect'. Quite possibly because I'm already too busy beating myself up mentally for all of my own perceived shortcomings to allow anyone else to say something negative about me. Poor Tom has been the main victim in this - even a simple request for a household task to be done can lead to being shouted at if I'm feeling defensive. Not fun for him!

So why do I feel/act like this when I used to be so different?

Part of me argues "You're getting older, this happens to everyone.", "Your body has been through a lot, try to balance everything instead of pushing it.", "Some people just have more energy than others."

The other part of me argues "Bullshit."

I don't accept that my once-energetic body, that was so full of life and laughter and fun, is now just a bit too worn-down to do those things anymore. That if I want a full day of productivity/activities/having a life that I must balance it with a day of feeling crappy and resting. I don't believe it has to be this way - I mean I'm only 24! I just need to find the right routine/diet/exercise/mentality/whatever that is going to unlock the old me.

I'm getting there. I have more "Me" days than "Not Me" days, where I bother making an effort with my appearance, get some good work done, have a laugh with friends and family, but not enough. Why should I ever feel like I'm not myself?

And I think this is the same for a lot of endo sufferers. I've seen a number of posts when people find the right combination of meds and complementary routines saying they feel back to normal or like their old selves. So it can't just be me here, can it? There's obviously a problem that's even less talked about than endometriosis itself - the knock-on effect it has on your personality.

Over to you!

This is where I want to throw it out to you guys - do you feel like you've changed as a person since you started noticing endometriosis symptoms? Not just the side-effects of hormone treatment (those are a whole hell of their own!) but through the whole process - from first noticing the pains all the way through treatment and beyond. I'd love to hear your experiences, either in the comments or privately in an email if you'd prefer; amirosemarshall@gmail.com

p.s wow, did not think the blog would be this long!